I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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