im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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