He disabled his match.com account in front of me
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
