Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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