Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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