My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
