My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
