I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
