I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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