At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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