Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
