i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
