I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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