Pants 0. Shit 1.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
