you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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