Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
