Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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