I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
