i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
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I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
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Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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