someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
