WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
All the doctor said was why
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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