He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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