I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
