Your mouth is God's brothel.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
