I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
