i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
