i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We are all done wearing pants today
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
