I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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