i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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