bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
