Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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