If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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