When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
