I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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