Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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