Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
