I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
