If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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