I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
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I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
do nipples grow back?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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