after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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