One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
