Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My cat gives me a boner
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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