fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Can Purell be used as lube?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
