If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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