hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
