I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
