Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
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I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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