I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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