Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I deserve this hangover.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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