you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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