how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
