You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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