please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
